thinkin about thinkin about cutting my hair

so if you knew me and were trying to describe me to someone, the first thing you'd probably say is "The girl with the long locks".

For the past seven years i've been growing my hair and its really long, down to my waist, heavy and is becomming a burdon. Everybody loves them and looks at me with confused expressions if I even mention cutting them. Not that I care, but maybe deep down inside of me there is a vain part that does care. I'm not even sure if that would be considered vanity, but I went thru the same thing when I went from relaxed hair to natural hair. It, my then long jet black roller wrap was a part of my identity, people recognized and identified me by it, so I struggled for a long time with the courage to just cut it off and start over and embrace my natural hair. But now...things should be different right? I mean I'm already natural and have been so since 2001. So why am I so torn and cautious about letting these locs go. Sometimes I think we as black women equate length with good, just like we equate hair texture with good (ie. "good hair") Lord help me if I'm still dealing with hair complex after all these years!!! or maybe its the memories that come along with them because I can identify exactly what was going on in my life by looking at various lengths and stages in my locking journey. So now i'm telling myself that cutting my hair will not be cutting the memories! Maybe its not even that deep. I'm just sayin....

in deep thought

I stay in deep thought. Now when I say deep that dosent necessarily mean I'm thinking about some poetic, conscious, complicated topic, (although it sometime is..) I just sit back and think, analyze and basically have a conversation with myself in my head. We all do, so dont try to front (slang for putting on a fascade) and act like you dont do it too. The only problem with this is, I have a very expressive face, and I've been told more than once that my expression shows all, so If I'm disgusted by something that you just did, you'll know it. Like today I was in class and this annoying little girl kept hogging the lecture with questions that she knew the answer too, and I'm mad annoyed right...suddently I feel my face starting in squinch up in disgust...my eyebrows push together, my lips pucker up in disgust, as I start to roll my eyes and take a deep frustrated "SIGH" I pull it together and look down at my desk.

::thinking:: get yo self together