True nobility isn't about being better than someone else. It's about being better than you used to be. ~ Wayne Dyer

So much has changed since my last post. I'm not even the same person that I was then...


Lets see what has changed...

• I quit my job, started a NEW career,



• changed my mind about that new career,



• cut my locs, wore my hair short




• grew my hair out again



• became a vegan,



• became a meat eater,



• transitioning back again,



• HAD A BEAUTIFUL BABY,



• learned some valuable life lessons,



• questioned beliefs that i once held on to real tight,



• loosened my grip a bit and opened my mind to new ideas,




• Doubted myself




• Regained confidence...

i could continue on but I think you get the point.

i can't believe that 2010 is more than half over, which reminds me to completely savor the moment daily. My granny, bless her heart, is always saying.. "i cant wait till Jrue does this, or soon she'll be doing this" (Jrue is my 9 month old daughter by the way) And I really don't like when people do that because I much rather savor where she is now...she'll be walking, talking, going to school, becomming a teenager, going to college SOON ENOUGH, right now I'd rather just... **breathe** listen to her say "dadadadadadadada" all day long for no reason, and get tickled when she cries because I'm at the end of her favorite song (the itsy bitsy spider).

When i was little something in me knew the importance of being in the moment..that was never something taught to me, i guess it was just instinctive. I can remember when I was 10 yrs old, we took a trip to Disney World..it was the most magical fun experience ever, and the whole trip i can remembering being at one of the disney parks and just suddently closing my eyes and saying "this is now", and I would just basque in my happiness. Weird huh? lol I don't know where I got that from, I just knew that I was having a great time and that it would be over soon and I wanted to remember the way I was feeling at that exact moment. Somehow over the years I've gotten away from that, but I'm getting it back.

it seems like the older you get, the faster time flies..I still feel like I should be a teen ager but I'm just around the corner from 30 seems like. Still so much to do but I'm growing. I think 2009 will be my year tho. I've decided to change the way I think. My toxic thinking is to blame for my stagnent life for the past few yrs. I know it sounds cliche' like a saturday night live skit, but u really have to love yourself. Love yourself enough to monitor your thoughts. Wise cats have been saying this in various ways for centuries, but i'm just now starting to believe it. I think my boy Jesus said it best in several scriptures ( no disrespect to the Lord for callin him my boy..lol) but anyway, i just gotta. This year has to be different. I think i can say it better in a poem. Like to hear it?! Here it go!

in 2009 i decided to love me. It sound cliche' like kum-bah-yah
but it's oh so necessary!
things to eleminate, negetive thoughts, cats w/ bad energy, meat and dairy

FOREAL THIS TIME!

Now when I talk to myself I have compassion, love and encouraging words..
no longer do I dwell in the past..
what I should have done, how I should have said it, what I didn't do.
It's about now!
My school master is my past. SANKOFA..
If you're not contributing to this righteous cause, we can't even kick no more..
I'm growing and I'm older.
The fridge and the counter tops are stocked w/ fresh greens and fruits
I feel alive again
Createive and happy
No matter the circumstance,
You respect me, because I respect myself enough to demand it
Those who don't like it dont cause they can't handle it.
But im okay with that.

FOREAL THIS TIME

Saving up nickles pennies and dimes so when opportunity presents itself I'm ready
Listening closely for my cue to jump
Life purpose reveal yourself to me
Thought I knew but now I know that I knew nothing at all
When you think you know it all, thats when God pimp slaps you with LIFE all across that big brown fod!
Just what a sista needed
Listen more,
Talk Less
Or your hasty words, he'll make you eat it
I'm ready now.

FOREAL THIS TIME

Peace be still
Beathe deep, motivated while sleep
Avocado me with tough skin,
smooth green pure center so alkaline, healing
As thoughts take shape, I'm well rounded
Devinly created and beautifully defined
Even when mushy my cayanne personality is spicy like guacolmoli
And he is my organic blue corn chips..
we go well together,
we compliment

lol i know that was kinda corny at the end but its all good. I wont apologize. its me. thats also apart of my 2009 reality. peace out yall.

thinkin about thinkin about cutting my hair

so if you knew me and were trying to describe me to someone, the first thing you'd probably say is "The girl with the long locks".

For the past seven years i've been growing my hair and its really long, down to my waist, heavy and is becomming a burdon. Everybody loves them and looks at me with confused expressions if I even mention cutting them. Not that I care, but maybe deep down inside of me there is a vain part that does care. I'm not even sure if that would be considered vanity, but I went thru the same thing when I went from relaxed hair to natural hair. It, my then long jet black roller wrap was a part of my identity, people recognized and identified me by it, so I struggled for a long time with the courage to just cut it off and start over and embrace my natural hair. But now...things should be different right? I mean I'm already natural and have been so since 2001. So why am I so torn and cautious about letting these locs go. Sometimes I think we as black women equate length with good, just like we equate hair texture with good (ie. "good hair") Lord help me if I'm still dealing with hair complex after all these years!!! or maybe its the memories that come along with them because I can identify exactly what was going on in my life by looking at various lengths and stages in my locking journey. So now i'm telling myself that cutting my hair will not be cutting the memories! Maybe its not even that deep. I'm just sayin....

in deep thought

I stay in deep thought. Now when I say deep that dosent necessarily mean I'm thinking about some poetic, conscious, complicated topic, (although it sometime is..) I just sit back and think, analyze and basically have a conversation with myself in my head. We all do, so dont try to front (slang for putting on a fascade) and act like you dont do it too. The only problem with this is, I have a very expressive face, and I've been told more than once that my expression shows all, so If I'm disgusted by something that you just did, you'll know it. Like today I was in class and this annoying little girl kept hogging the lecture with questions that she knew the answer too, and I'm mad annoyed right...suddently I feel my face starting in squinch up in disgust...my eyebrows push together, my lips pucker up in disgust, as I start to roll my eyes and take a deep frustrated "SIGH" I pull it together and look down at my desk.

::thinking:: get yo self together